MLB’s Finest Lines
Unpacking the tattoos on America’s favorite sons.
Hi hotties, welcome back.
We have risen. Much like those who have bounced back before us, we are back and better than ever. Like a phoenix from the ashes. You cannot keep a bad bitch down.
This week we will give you MLB’s current winners and losers, and then jump into some of our best journalistic work on the hottest tattoos in baseball.
Yeehaw.
Winners:
Philadelphia Phillies. We are honored to give our sons the top spot this week. They’ve only lost three games in May and it seems like the bad boys of baseball are finally getting it together. Bryce Harper is starting to act like his 2023 self again, Rhys Hoskins is still a little bitch, and we want Brandon Marsh to be held down and shaved at this point. But overall, good vibes.
New York Yankees. Did someone say “bow wow?” Because the dogs from the Bronx are BARKING this season. They’ve dominated lately with Aaron Judge shining bright like a diamond and the newbies in the outfield playing together like they came from the same womb. Hotties, we are normally Yankees detractors, but we are also assholes and we feel a strong pull to other elitist pieces of shit so…let’s go Yanks?
Cleveland Guardians. Okay, what the fuck? We didn’t expect to care about middle America - that’s for politicians to worry about. But the Guardians have won over 30 games? What are they feeding those boys over there? It makes us feel a little better that their City Connect uniforms look like shit.
Huge Losers:
Cincinnati Reds. Elly De La Cruz must be freed. Honestly, the Reds are mid but they should be better than this. So we’re upset and calling them losers.
Arizona Diamondbacks. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Last year’s National League champs are now back to being the losers they are. D-back fans love to bitch and moan about every conspiracy in baseball, but have you stopped to consider maybe the problem’s your infield?? This includes Corbin Carroll who is undeniably beautiful, but still sucking ass this year.
New York Mets. Remember when we told you the Mets run on a regular “we’re so over, we’re so back” cycle? Well, right now we’re so over. It’s depressing. We’re staring into the Hudson River and muttering to ourselves. Francisco Alvarez get off the injured list challenge. Lord, take one of our hands and trade it for his. 🙏🏼
Okay girls, pencils down. Tattoo guns out.
Baddies, we’ve been doing some true investigative work (read: hours of Instagram stalking) and we’re ready to reveal to you the best tattoos in baseball. Let us preface…when we say “best” do we mean “this is objectively a good tattoo?” No. We mean best in the sense that we like that this tattoo exists. It’s like a tequila shot. Is it our first choice? Absolutely not. Is it being ordered? Yeah. Let’s get the party started.
Francisco Alvarez - New York Mets
Get it sexy. He makes a neck tattoo look cute which is kind of a herculean feat. Men reading this do NOT take this as a sign to get your own. Alvy pulls off these tattoos because he’s an MLB wunderkind with a smile that could sink the Titanic. You guys, his tattoo literally says “the best.” Also, he poses like a bad bitch. That’s all.
Nick Castellanos - Philadelphia Phillies
Hot as hell with two full sleeves. This man is a little mean, a little bad, and a lot good at baseball. He’s the platonic (ugh) ideal Phillies player.
Salvador Pérez - Kansas City Royals
His tattoos remind him that he is quote “pretty good.” Probably an understatement for the 8-time All-Star. The aesthetic may be questionable, but getting a gaudy tattoo after winning a World Series is still kind of a slay. It’s like the Olympic rings. Ugly, but you earned it.
Brice Turang - Milwaukee Brewers
You had us at hand tattoo. Truly we are weak in the knees. It’s perfect, he’s perfect, and we love the Brew Crew forever.
Tyler Glasnow - Los Angeles Dodgers
A LIP TATTOO!? Tyler Glasnow has a LIP TATTOO!? Imagine having an answer for “tell us a fun fact about yourself” immediately for the rest of your life. What a freak. In the best way.
Sean Manaea - New York Mets
This list is incomplete without Manaea’s tribal tattoo sleeve, an ode to his American Samoan heritage. Love the arm on this guy, love the personality on this guy, love the cutie energy from this guy, we just…we really love this guy. LGM.
As for the worst tattoos in baseball, go look at anyone on the Miami Marlins. It’s bleak over there. We’re talking Lionel Messi and Salvador Dalí clocks. Yikes.
Well baddies, we’ve made it another week.
Here’s hoping our favorite teams win and that our least favorite players get brained by a fastball.
Stay hot, stay hydrated, stay major.
Politicians😂😂😂😂
Weekly laugh count: 8